apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Come on in and take your pants off
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