Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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