I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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