I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
