On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
