Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
zippers are such a cool invention
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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