I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
