So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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