On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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