i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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