dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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