from now on my penis is your penis
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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