How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
