I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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