I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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