I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
