God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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