In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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