Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize