Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i think i just lost a toe
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