Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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