You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
