i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
