were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
