Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
