Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
