remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
