On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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