And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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