fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
