i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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