Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
