mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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