connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
