update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
