you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she told me i tasted like america
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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