he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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