Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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