You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
