Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
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