When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Less talking, more tequila
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
