i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
No...this little piggys going to the bar
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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