I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Randomize
