Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize