I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I don't deserve a penis
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
