About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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