Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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