i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize