I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize