Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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