Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
