I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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