Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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