I wish I could teleport
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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