Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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