Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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