I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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